Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
