Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
