ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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