i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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