Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
