Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
