so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
