Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
