No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
