i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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