The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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