we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
