Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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