My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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