I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
