Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
