i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
we're so committed to being not committed
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
