Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
