the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
