dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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