Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Pappa wants mamma naked
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
