Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
