Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
