Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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