I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
