i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
A+ Viking dick
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