Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Randomize
