I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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