Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Is Oprah even human
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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