I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
