btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
