Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
