No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
