What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
