Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
