Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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