I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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