I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Randomize
