What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
