I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
