Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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