Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Your penis caused this!
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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