best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
