The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
it was like eating out sand paper
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
