the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
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