I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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