As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
