If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
