I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
