A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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