WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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