Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
