I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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