She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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