i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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