my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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