Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
love makes seman taste better
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
