Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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