So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize