I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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