They should really pass out barf bags in church
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
