i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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