I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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